Jim Gaffigan Quotes

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus?

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'