Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?