A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."