Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.