Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.