I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.