Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Slumps don't bother me.