I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’