Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis DillerWhen I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis DillerWhen I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis DillerMy house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller