My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.