I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.