Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I feel like dying when I'm helpless