The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.

Don't underestimate your kids. Don't be condescending, because they're children but they're not stupid.

Some people just derive great joy from making other people laugh. And I do, but I don't feel like I need to do it 24 hours a day.

I'm not unattractive, but I'm not a matinee idol. I think I have a very non-threatening look - I'm fine, I'm right in the middle.

Taste in comedy, like fashion, changes all the time.

I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said… my tummy itches.

I love my wife dearly, and, therefore, I've never cooked a meal, romantic or otherwise, for her.