Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".