I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I should be a video game.

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

Is there a short-eared koobish, then?' Mmmyes ...' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.' We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up.

I was the funny, outgoing kid who didn't understand how he could keep getting mistaken for a nerd nobody liked.

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

As far as pets go, a cat is a nice on to have.

There was less than I’d expected in the rainy-day fund that Mom had kept in the bottom of an underwear drawer in a panty hose egg labeled ‘DEAD SPIDERS.’ As if I hadn’t always known it was there. As if I wouldn’t want to look at dead spiders.