Never read the Bible as if it means something. Or at any rate don't try and mean it. Nor prayers. The liturgy is best treated and read as if it's someone announcing the departure of trains.

I don't talk very well. With writing, you've time to get it right. Also I've found the more I talk the less I write, and if I didn't write no one would want me to talk anyway.

Have you ever thought, headmaster, that your standards might perhaps be a little out of date? Of course they're out of date. Standards are always out of date. That is what makes them standards.

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.

We were put to Dickens as children but it never quite took. That unremitting humanity soon had me cheesed off.

I have never understood disliking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arranging.