I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

You never run into a fundamentalist Christian as intolerant of - take anything, you know, homosexuality as a liberal who has just found a lit cigarette in a nonsmoking section.

As soon as the subject moves to TV shows and movies, I'm a total failure. And I'd been paying for all those premium channels for years, but recently cancelled them, since I never watched any of those networks.

Here's a foolproof method for keeping America safe. Always do the exact 180-degree opposite of whatever [Jimmy] Carter says, as quickly as possible.

Lawyers tend to be bright people. They tend to be-much more than many journalists I've encountered-sticklers for detail and accuracy, and they have a logical way of arguing.

If only Al Sharpton were around, Lincoln would have known he was a victim of racism.

No torture has yet been devised that could get a liberal to mention the poor, beleaguered Kurds dancing in the streets because Saddam is gone.