I make friends faster and easier than journalists.

I managed to reach a depth of self-loathing that usually takes a night of drinking to achieve.

Do you really want to make risotto to order when you have eight guests sitting there? No. It won't work. Most cookbooks won't tell you that. They will say make it and it will come out perfectly. They should tell you you're probably going to screw it up the first 10 times you make it.

My house is run, essentially, by an adopted, fully clawed cat with a mean nature.

No one understands and appreciates the American Dream of hard work leading to material rewards better than a non-American.

I think we should be honest about who is working in our kitchens.

Assume the worst. About everybody. But don't let this poisoned outlook affect your job performance. Let it all roll off your back. Ignore it. Be amused by what you see and suspect. Just because someone you work with is a miserable, treacherous, self-serving, capricious and corrupt asshole shouldn't prevent you from enjoying their company, working with them or finding them entertaining.