Ohio went on alert Tuesday when a train with hazardous chemicals ran wild through the state. A brave engineer leaped aboard and brought the runaway train under control. Sounds like we've found our next FBI Director.

U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz accused Republicans of trying to make it a crime to be an illegal alien. Democrats see a conspiracy plot. First Republicans want to say that illegal aliens are illegal, next they're going to want to take away their voting rights.

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Hillary showed off a new set of White House china at the mansion's 200th birthday dinner Thursday. She said she helped design it. It's thanks to her that all the White House china looks like it's been glued back together.

President Clinton broke ground Saturday for the World War II memorial in Washington. He'll never have the military's full respect. However, after surviving ten female accusers, he's been made an honorary member of the Tailhook Association.

Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names.