Ohio went on alert Tuesday when a train with hazardous chemicals ran wild through the state. A brave engineer leaped aboard and brought the runaway train under control. Sounds like we've found our next FBI Director.

Tennis legend Bjorn Borg appeared in a Swedish TV ad urging Swedes to have more sex to solve the country's falling birth rate. America can help. This is a perfect opportunity to name Jesse Jackson ambassador to Sweden.

The Pentagon tested an anti-missile system in New Mexico Wednesday. The test was an incomplete success. While the interceptor was shooting down the incoming missile, three thousand illegal aliens walked right across the border under its nose.

Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Ohio went on alert Tuesday when a train with hazardous chemicals ran wild through the state. A brave engineer leaped aboard and brought the runaway train under control. Sounds like we've found our next FBI Director.

Former South Africa President Nelson Mandela announced Tuesday he will begin writing his autobiography. He spent 25 years in prison before being elected to public office. In America, we do it the other way around.

Hillary Clinton began a New York thank-you tour Friday by calling for the abolition of the Electoral College. No wonder Arkansas never liked her. She hasn't been in office three days and already she's an abolitionist.