I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean...?

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.