Anyone might become homosexual after seeing Glenda Jackson naked.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

The urge to pass new laws must be seen as an illness, not much different from the urge to bite old women. Anyone suspected of suffering from it should either be treated with the appropriate pills or, if it is too late for that, elected to parliament [or congress, as the case may be] and paid a huge salary with endless holidays, to do nothing whatever.

Anyone might become homosexual after seeing Glenda Jackson naked.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

Now that Mandela has been released from prison we can all admit what has been apparent, that he is not a Tembu tribesman, in fact he is not an African at all. He is quite obviously Chinese. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes those who persist in seeing him as a great African statesman look rather foolish.

Unless people are prepared to declare themselves your enemies you have to hunt around for them.