Make all your decisions based on how hilarious it would be if you did it.

I've always wanted to do all kinds of roles, dramatic roles and comedic roles, all kinds of roles.

I have a way of dealing with situations where I come off awkward, or people think I’m purposely trying to make things uncomfortable. But normally I’m talking really slowly or there’s a lot of silence because there’s just nothing going on. I’m just totally freaking out, but from the outside perspective it looks like I’m in control.

It would be hilarious if I worked in a bowling alley.

My grandfather came over from Puerto Rico and raised his kids speaking English so that it would be easier for them to assimilate.

I don't let myself 'surf' on the Web, or I would probably drown.

I'm like that person who hates going to magic shows - and I love magic, I love wizards - but going to a show where there is any possibility of audience participation is a nightmare for me.