It turned out I had always been a smoker. I just hadn't had any cigarettes.

I always tried to learn Greek, but all I got out of it was, "poulaki mou." ["My little chicken."]

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness.

As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?

I thought, I can't do advertising any more, so I was downloading all these PDF applications from community colleges. And I thought, I'll become a paramedic. I'll get a two-year associate degree, if I can get in.

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.