This part of being a man, changing the way we parent, happens only when we want it to. It changes because we are determined for itto change; and the motive for changing often comes out of wanting to be the kind of parent we didn't have.

We are intensely loyal to our parents. In spite of the pain we experienced at our parent's hands, we cling tenaciously to their views of life; and their examples of what it is to be a man or a woman follow us throughout life. Acknowledging the power of our loyalty to them, and especially our loyalty to our same-sex parent, is only the beginning of our journey to improve upon their model; but it is at least a first step.

This part of being a man, changing the way we parent, happens only when we want it to. It changes because we are determined for itto change; and the motive for changing often comes out of wanting to be the kind of parent we didn't have.

Not only do our wives need support, but our children need our deep involvement in their lives. If this period [the early years] ofprimitive needs and primitive caretaking passes without us, it is lost forever. We can be involved in other ways, but never again on this profoundly intimate level.

Even if fathers are more benignly helpful, and even if they spend time with us teaching us what they know, rarely do they tell uswhat they feel. They stand apart emotionally: strong perhaps, maybe caring in a nonverbal, implicit way; but their internal world remains mysterious, unseen, "What are they really like?" we ask ourselves. "What do they feel about us, about the world, about themselves?

Even if society dictates that men and women should behave in certain ways, it is fathers and mothers who teach those ways to children not just in the words they say, but in the lives they lead.

The ubiquitous and acutely conscious presence of our adolescents is a major problem, especially since much of their consciousnessseems to be focused on sexuality--ours and theirs. They expect us to ignore them if they are kissing their dates in the family room; but let us so much as wink at one another, and they whistle loudly.