I believe with all my heart in delivering on my contract with my readers. They've got plenty of other things to do, so I had better give them a reason to turn every one of these 550 pages. This is my promise: I solemnly swear I'll make you laugh out loud at least once, cry a little in private, and burn whatever you left on the stove.

But I've swallowed my pride before, that's for sure. I'm practically lined with my mistakes on the inside like a bad-wallpapered bathroom.

Forgive me, O Heavenly Father, according to the multitude of Thy mercies. I have lusted in my heart to break a man's skull and scatter the stench of his brains across several people's back yards.

The past is all we know of the future.

When moral superiority combines with billowing ignorance, they fill up a hot-air balloon that's awfully hard not to poke.

The longer you live, the more likely you are to have something to say.

Mother could go for one year without food, but not one day without her lip sticks.