Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy

This is what I tell, especially young women, fight the big fights. Don't fight the little fight... Be the first one in, be the last one out. Do your homework, choose your battles. Don't whine, and don't be the one who complains about everything. Fight the big fight.

Children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

I don't know about you, but I can never get enough David Letterman.

All of the religions - with the exception of Tibetan Buddhism, which doesn't believe in a heaven - teach that heaven is a better place. At the end of the program, I say that heaven is a place where you are happy. All of the religions have that in common.

[On being indecisive and changeable:] On my gravestone I want inscribed: 'On the other hand, maybe I should have lived.

Most attractive males talk to most attractive women as if they were Rotarians comparing sales percentages in Des Moines.