Of all the things I am not very good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most outstanding.

My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can't make your children carry.

America is a very seductive place in terms of lifestyle and comfort, but it wasn't for me.

There are only three things that can kill a farmer: lightning, rolling over in a tractor, and old age.

It was an especially wonderful time to be a noisy moron.

Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.

By the time I had finished my coffee and returned to the streets, the rain had temporarily abated, but the streets were full of vast puddles where the drains where unable to cope with the volume of water. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you would think that if one nation ought by now to have mastered the science of drainage, Britain would be it.