Of all the things I am not very good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most outstanding.

I can wear a baseball cap; I am entitled to wear a baseball cap. I am genetically pre-disposed to wear a baseball cap, whereas most English people look wrong in a baseball cap.

Taking a scenic route in Southeast Iowa is like talking about a good Barry Manilow album. You have to make certain allowances.

The English invented cricket to make other human endeavors look interesting.

I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice-cream straight out of the container.

On the dashboard of our family car is a shallow indentation about the size of a paperback book. If you are looking for somewhere to put your sunglasses or spare change, it is the obvious place, and it works extremely well, I must say, so long as the car is not actually moving. However, as soon as you put the car in motion ... everything slides off ... It can hold nothing that has not been nailed to it. So I ask you: what then is it for?

I'm not funny in person. I mean I'm really not. I'm one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.