Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

Some people play the piano, some do Sudoku, some watch television, some people go out to dinner parties. I write books.

The crucial thing is to look in an informed way at what's going on. Look at the way in which we are forced by our imbalanced system to push away people who might contribute mightily to the NHS.

But if people want to swim in the Thames, if they want to take their lives into their own hands, then they should be able to do so with all the freedom and exhilaration of our woad-painted ancestors.

I think it'd be disgraceful if a chap wasn't allowed to have a bit of fun in Las Vegas. The real scandal would be if you went to Vegas and you didn't misbehave in some trivial way.

Can I say anything good about Ken Livingstone? A long time ago he did some good things, but I can't now remember what any of them were.