I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.