The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?

The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.