I used to work in a funeral home to feel good about myself, just the fact that I was breathing.

You tell yourself that noise is what defines silence. Without noise, silence would not be golden. Noise is the exception.

Imagine a plague you catch through your ears.

The problem in this case was you can't be a middle-aged virgin in America without something being wrong with you. People can't conceive of a virtue in someone else that they can't conceive in themselves. Instead of believing you're stronger, it's so much easier to imagine you're weaker.

A guy's calling to say he's failing algebra II. Just as a point of practice, I say, Kill yourself. A woman calls and says her kids won't behave. Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself. A man calls to say his car won't start. Kill yourself. A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts. Kill yourself. She asks, "Isn't this 555-1327? Is this the Moorehouse CinePlex? I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

On game shows, some people will take the trip to France, but most people will take the washer and dryer pair.

A couple drinks. A couple aspirin. Repeat.