Fertility says, "Can you relax and just let things happen?" I ask, does she mean, like disasters, like pain, like misery? Can I just let all that happen? "And Joy," she says, "and Serenity, and Happiness, and Contentment." She says all the wings of the Columbia Memorial Mausoleum. "You don't have to control everything," she says. "You can't control everything." But you can be ready for disaster. A sign goes by saying, Buckle Up. "If you worry about disaster all of the time, that's what you are going to get," Fertility says.

Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer.

It takes a lot to get people talking in airplanes. But once they start talking, you just can't shut them up.

Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.

As a lower-class kid, I was raised to think success would be owning stuff. Having that great job, too. Now I find my parents' dream was wrong. You never really own anything. And you're never really finished as a person.

The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.

As the stupidest person in the room, I always had the most to gain.