Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback.

I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cell phone might be passing through my body right now.

My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage.

You can't throw him back because he doesn't meet the legal size limit.

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?'

Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback.

At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women - they can't take a compliment!