I had a tumor. But it was great.

Almost any age is better than twenty-two.

Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humor does.

Just think, the shoes I wouldn’t be caught dead in might actually turn out to be the shoes I am caught dead in.

If psychoanalysis was late 19th century secular Judaism’s way of finding spiritual meaning in a post-religious world, and retail is the late 20th century’s way of finding spiritual meaning in a post-religious world, what does it mean that I’m impersonating the father of psychoanalysis in a store window to commemorate a religious holiday?

I have so little control over the act of writing that it's all I can do to remain conscious.

I am no fun at all. In fact, I am anti-fun. Not as in anti-violence, but as in anti-matter. I am not so much against fun - although I suppose I kind of am - as I am the opposite of fun. I suck the fun out of a room. Or perhaps I'm just a different kind of fun; the kind that leaves on bereft of hope; the kind of fun that ends in tears.