I don't even drink Coke. It tastes like robot sweat.

I don't think I would've ever dared dreaming of becoming a professional cartoonist. I wouldn't set myself up for that disappointment.

Once you use a toothbrush to clean a pencil sharpener, you should no longer use it to clean your teeth.

The way you make money is to do something you don't like to do. And that's how you know you're a virtuous person.

I don't want to be one of these people who's like, "Man, I don't know where my ideas come from and I don't know why this works."

People think, "Wow, people in America have so much money, they're sending hundreds of pencils to this guy." I don't think those people realize that most people who are buying these pencils are buying them as art objects or conversation pieces.

Talking about my personal life onstage, I've realized I'm not one of those comics who can do that. I can allude to it but I don't want to be a confessional performer.