I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.

What's strange is, the people who want to be in the position are never asked to be in the position. Like, if you don't want to do something, then people really want you to do it. And the more you say, "No, really, I'm sorry, it's really not for me," the more they want to convince you that it is, in fact, for you, and that you'd be absolutely perfect.

The way Trump talks about Obama: presidents don't do that! What we're seeing now is a whole new level of vulgarity. I'm really hoping that it's not the rule from here on out. It's really distressing for me to witness this. I really hope we don't have to throw all decency out the window, just because Trump's president.

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.

The word 'phobic' has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.

I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.