Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.