Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.

I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.