I had always had a little problem looking out for myself in love. I was afraid people would leave me. So I sort of clung and did everything possible to keep someone around. I didn't have a hard talk with myself about who I was keeping around. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I clung to people like human life preservers. I thought i'd die if someone left me. Its ironic because now I'm the one who's leaving.
Deb CalettiIt was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.
Deb CalettiIt was a shut door, and shut doors meant things kept to yourself. There were reasons you kept things to yourself, and they usually werenโt good, happy, open-air sort of reasons. Still, I didnโt want to see behind that door. You think you want to know everything there is to know about everything there is to know. But you donโt. Not really. I had pried the lid off of the dark places of another person before, I had seen inside. Down deep. You donโt want to look at whatโs rotting there.
Deb CalettiSometimes love is a surprise, an instant of recognition, a sudden gift at a sudden moment that makes everything different from then on. Some people will say that's not love, that you can't really love someone you don't know. But, I'm not so sure. Love doesn't seem to follow a plan; it's not a series of steps. It can hit with the force of nature--an earthquake, a tidal wave, a storm of wild relentless energy that is beyond your simple attempts at control.
Deb CalettiThe hope was, people like me got to finally find our place in college or in the actual world. People who understood this told you that high school wasn't the actual world, that it was more like a temporary alternate reality you were forced to believe in for four years. A video game you played, where you could never get to the next level no matter how hard you tried.
Deb CalettiI thought I might cry, the way you do when someone gives you some kindness when you most need it but when it seems the most surprising thing.
Deb CalettiIf fate is a shape-shifter, then loves is too. It can be, anyway, in its most dangerous form. Itยดs your best day and then your worst. Itยดs your most hope and then you most despair. Lightness, darkness, it can swing between extremes at lightning speed- a boat upon the water on the most dangerous day, and then the clouds crawl in and the sky turns black and the sea rages and the boat is lost.
Deb Caletti