When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.
Derek LandyMum said earlier what a lovely dress youโre wearing.โ Berylโs eyebrows wriggled like two tiny tapeworms. โThis?โ she said. โBut Iโve had this for years.โ It was a beige dress that would have looked better on an eighty year-old. Any eighty-year-old, man or woman. โI think youโve really grown into it,โ Valkyrie said. โI always thought it was a little shapeless.โ Valkyrie resisted the urge to say that was what she meant.
Derek LandyHow have you been? Youโre still as beautiful as ever.โ โAs are you, my dear. I love your shoes.โ โArenโt they delightful? I saw them and just had to have them. Their previous owner wasnโt too keen to let them go, but I can be very persuasive when I want to be.โ โIs that her blood on the left one?โ โAnd no amount of scrubbing will get it out, either.
Derek LandyI'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
Derek LandyDesmond, don't poke the baby!'... 'I'll get you next time-' Don't threaten the baby either!'.
Derek LandyI'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.' 'My accent?' 'It is quite silly.' 'So you can't understand me?' 'Not a word.' 'Then how did you understand that?' 'I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?' 'That's right.' 'You understood that, though.' 'Not at all.' The American glowered.
Derek Landy