My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, Look I got to level with you. I met another kid.

I think boxing is an incredible sport and I would like to see it really become regulated because I think it could bring back a lot of the past.

You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect.

I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have.

I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.

My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: I have a cold. I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore.

My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, Dom, I think that waitress knows me. What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?