If you have a great characters, you can always have your character do nothing or do something stupid, and people will still follow them, because they're so real and so tangible.

Death is the only thing keeping us in line.

I don't know how a culture is going to evolve, but I think the way the Internet works now is, people go to the Internet to laugh and have a good time. That's why Tumblr feeds and I Can Has Cheezburger and memes get thrown into the blender with real news and sports news and politics and that stuff.

You'll paint some nursery and the kid will want to sleep in a drawer.

With toilet books, people don't review them that much. They don't really pay much attention to them. It's just like, "Oh, okay. I'll put this in your stocking."

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

You need to be funny in a way that people feel like you're trying to make a deeper connection. So that's what I try to do.