It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

I know I still had to take money from my parents, because no one can afford to live in Manhattan, not even the rich people.

I found that life for me gets a lot more serious as you get older. You start off young and happy and smiling and "Wooo! I'm having fun!" And then you get married, and that's very serious, and you have kids, and that's very, very serious. So as you get older, you start thinking about passing away, and that becomes extremely serious.

You need to be funny in a way that people feel like you're trying to make a deeper connection. So that's what I try to do.

I had to be happy with the process of writing.Each step you take is more rewarding than the one before.

You cannot hide from the world. It will find you. It always does. And now it has found me. My split second of immortality is over. All that's left now is the end, which is all any of us ever has.

I posted some story about the Arizona State baseball coach getting into a fight with an autograph hound, and it was a disastrous thing. The guy rescinded his story. It proved to me that I'm not cut out to be a proper journalist. I'm much better sitting around and making fun of journalists and telling them what terrible journalists they are than being an actual journalist.