With toilet books, people don't review them that much. They don't really pay much attention to them. It's just like, "Oh, okay. I'll put this in your stocking."

Death is the only thing keeping us in line.

I don't know how a culture is going to evolve, but I think the way the Internet works now is, people go to the Internet to laugh and have a good time. That's why Tumblr feeds and I Can Has Cheezburger and memes get thrown into the blender with real news and sports news and politics and that stuff.

You always worry and you always fear what's next. But you eventually just push forward knowing you can't really do much about getting rid of the anxiety. You see people get pets after their kids leave the house because they're so used to having something around to dote on and worry about.

You need to be funny in a way that people feel like you're trying to make a deeper connection. So that's what I try to do.

I had to be happy with the process of writing.Each step you take is more rewarding than the one before.

I posted some story about the Arizona State baseball coach getting into a fight with an autograph hound, and it was a disastrous thing. The guy rescinded his story. It proved to me that I'm not cut out to be a proper journalist. I'm much better sitting around and making fun of journalists and telling them what terrible journalists they are than being an actual journalist.