Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'