...sometimes, you have to break your own heart.

I knew I was having a panic attack. I hadn't had one in a while, though, and I'd forgotton how they made everything like it- and I- was going to fall apart. How they reminded me of how trapped I was.

I always wanted to be grown up. When I was little I couldn’t wait to be a teenager and go to high school. When I got there I wanted to be done with it, wanted to get out into the world, the real one, and live in it. The thing is, that world doesn’t exist. All growing up means is that you realize no one will come along to fix things. No one will come along to save you.

I'd dressed up and hoped and I was so tired of doing that, so tired of dreaming and being unable to stop it despite the fact that I'd seen, maybe better than anyone here, what dreams could do to you.

Something in me, in my bruised heart, wakes up, and even though I'm terrified, I don't push the feeling away.

I wish it had never happened because then I wouldn't think about it as I'm falling asleep.

But the past couple of days I’ve missed you so much it’s felt like missing you is all I am.