If the studios paid the artists, how would they ever be able to afford the executives?

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have.

I used to think I was like the wicket- keeper, which is like the catcher in base- ball, y'know what I mean? You can call the play a lot from behind the plate, y'know what I mean? You're not necessarily the star, you're not the one that makes the mark, but usually in the end, you're called upon to get a run when it's needed.

You could write a joke in the pub at lunchtime and watch it performed on television that evening.

Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud. And yet it is not a particularly funny name.

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.

Writers tend to suffer from back problems because they spend their time bent over a desk.