I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?