I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.