I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts