The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

The pianoforte is the most important of all musical instruments; its invention was to music what the invention of printing was to poetry.

It's a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter's husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

I loathe the mess of mean superstitions and misunderstood prophecies which is still rammed down the throats of children under the name of Christianity.

Most of my recent plays were written in the railway train between Hatfield and Kings Cross. I write anywhere, on the top of omnibuses or wherever I may be; it is all the same to me.

I really don't think I could consent to go to Heaven if I thought there were no animals there.