I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.