I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don't know who came up with this idea first, but it's sheer genius.

If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!