The average woman is at the head of something with which she can do as she likes; the average man has to obey orders and do nothing else.

All my authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

We ought to be interested in that darkest and most real part of a man in which dwell not the vices that he does not display, but the virtues that he cannot.

...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a luminous nose...to the child it is sufficiently strange and humorous to have a nose at all.

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

Men may keep a sort of level of good, but no man has ever been able to keep on one level of evil.

A turkey is more occult and awful than all the angels and archangels. In so far as God has partly revealed to us an angelic world, he has partly told us what an angel means. But God has never told us what a turkey means. And if you go and stare at a live turkey for an hour or two, you will find by the end of it that the enigma has rather increased than diminished.